Pinnacle

It’s a trope, you know

The aging man with the bad mustache

Looking back at the height of life

Throwing pigskins to a cheering crowd

Just before the homecoming dance

I am he grasping back to a wild success

that failed

Failed to hold due to forces beyond my control

All the forces are beyond me

I like to think I am self determined

I like to think I have wherewithal

I like to think I can

Except on days I can’t

It’s too hard to dream anymore

Too hard to believe

Too hard to try

It’s too much sometimes

To even open up my eyes

It’s too difficult to see

Ambition runs right out of my veins

I am deflated

I am defeated

I haven’t heard the pistol

Nothing has begun

I can’t get to the starting line

I don’t really want to run

I amble back into the forest

To watch the sunshine through the leaves

I don’t want that to be the pinnacle

That can’t remain the top

Of all I have accomplished

I don’t really want to stop

My passions are more muted

The edges have been rounded

Smoothed down by time and tears

The fire burns more broadly

The fuel is hardwood not the soft

This flame is more longlasting

I still can reach the top

A slow climb

A steady step

Already I can feel the changes

A return of something wholesome

I make beauty every day

My gift is heart as much as skill

I don’t need to win a ribbon

I don’t want to be

Here I am still breathing

Love with every breath

I let the future do its thing

It does what it wants to anyway

I just do this thing before me

In that senseless, timeless way

Listening always to the heartcalls

That keep me going

Every day

brown and black cut away acoustic guitar
Photo by Jessica Lewis on Pexels.com

Unsettled

The great winnowing of possessions

Releasing the unnecessary

Shredding the past

Carefully boxing up the essential

Giving, giving, giving

Each load that goes

A bit more freedom gained

The road calls strongly

“Are you coming?

Are you on the way?”

Well, I’m going somewhere

Similar to a place I’ve been

Time adjacent

The stream has run the long course

The years have changed me

I will step into the water

Remembering the stream that was

And the young woman who grew there

I bring the world with me

All that I’ve seen since then

Molded by travel and children and joy

Reduced by loss and loneliness and pain

A life changing movement

A life changing moment

A new start

A fresh beginning

“I can be flexible”

I said

And made it so

“I don’t have the confidence for this”

I confided

And yet it arrived with that acknowledgement

Not the brash bravado I used to wear

A committed determination

All I can ask of myself today

Is to show up for this life

To risk, and to try

I am not alone in this

I am loved

I am loved truly and fiercely

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do”

There is room for me

In this world

That for so long I felt

Held no space for me

I will step into the water

And let it cool my feet

From the heat of travel

And rest a moment

As the sun filters down through the trees