Losses and Gains: A love letter to myself for 2022

I stared out the window of my room

Knocking down houses and building barns and fields

Filling the fields with horses

I dreamed of a kitchen window with a tree growing right outside

In the cool blue morning washing dishes in the future

The sound of feeling of memory of children not yet born

In the background of the house

I dreamed a house on a hill over looking the ocean

Just before I moved there

I lived in the house with the kitchen window and the tree for years

With my kids and my spouse

I pursued my education trying to go to med school

And I got so sick I missed class

Because I missed class I couldn’t find the final

I switched majors still determined

Road blocks

Yoga school

Road blocks

Herb school road blocks

I learned without degrees

Horses, hoof trimming, English riding Western riding, massage, nutrition

I taught

I learned herbs through study, and experimentation, from wild crafters

From plants and dreams

I left my farm and my horses and my harvest

Starting over

Always starting over

I climbed the corporate ladder

Swiftly doubling my wages

Then Black Lives Matter and Covid

And I cashed in my corporate winnings and walked away

What to dream now

What to do with this life I live

How to dream again when I know dreams die too sometimes

Same as living

Even though death is always there

Why not dream

We all lose it all eventually

Pursue

Laughter and enjoyment and fun

No need to dream so seriously

No need to dream so seriously

Dream lighthearted and filled with joy

Turn your sense of humor and sarcasm and adroit observations

Into gold into light into happiness

Write and sing and laugh and love and dance and play

And work, sure, we must all work at something

But can we work with loving visage

Could we work with a spirit of adventure

Can we see ourselves more clearly

Embodied spirit

Wise souls entwined with life

Working to live more fully

Bringing a sparkle every day to others

Can we revel in this life

For a moment an hour a day a year

man and woman dancing on stage
Photo by Аркадий Головань on Pexels.com

Singing at Sundown

There’s a nightlight in the bathroom

A good way to get a book taken away

Is to sit on the counter and read by it

The elastic on that night gown itched and pinched

A little ruffle around the cuff

Candy pink with flowers on it

A little ruffle by the calf

It’s not completely dark

A fan in the hall whirs to dampen stray noises

Private conversations

Whimpers and pleading

Thuds and crying

Yelling and misery

A good night is quiet

Not too quiet though

When something brews in that silence

I began to sing

I am a child of god and

this is my father’s world

grace would be amazing if it arrived in time

Can my voice stay the hands that violate

And would they have me sing in front of crowds

Using the voice that protected me

(or tried to)

I gave my voice away as an adult

I gave it to my babies when they struggled to sleep

I gave it to the dishes when they were dirty

I sang the floors clean and the dust away

I sang to the falling waters

To seedlings and horses

I made up songs and story songs to entertain

Rambunctious children

As they grew we sang together at the table

(this was never allowed to me when I was young)

This voice that falters in front of a camera

How a camera triggers

Being photographed and video’d

Exploited

Being shoved forward to perform

The grand lie of a happy home

We’re a happy family

We’re a happy family

Me mom and daddy

Sick

There’s a soft glow worm finger puppet

that provides a tiny light in the dark

while I sing myself forward

out of a nightmare

and into life

Photo Credit

Every Step Home

Not lost wanderer

Explorer

Questioner

This courageous adventure

Look where things could have been different

That choice

This choice

Why did you choose

Why did you refuse to choose

Why spend one more minute imagining a different choice

Would have a better, not a worse outcome

That regret may have saved you from something worse

The path is calling

Stop looking back and step

Under the branches of the trees

Under the cover of the sky

Under the vast array of stars

Ground each step deep within the earth

Magic dances within

Let it move

Give it music

Every step home

Every step

Home

Merry Christmas Summer Heart

Thank you for all of your comments, shares, follows, likes, and most of all for sharing your words, photos, stories, poems, songs, music with me and the world.

May your days be merry and bright!

Cheers to another year of finding peace in the chaos, joy even in the midst of sorrow, and true connection in this world.

It Wasn’t You Unsalvaged

Weren’t you further along

Than you thought you could be

Opening your heart a little wider

Believing finally that someone could love you

It wasn’t you who lost love

It wasn’t you who gave it away

It wasn’t you who refused to accept it

It wasn’t you who warped the road

Twisted the path

Tangled the way

Each heartbreak unfolded

Straightening what was crooked

Unbending the skewed beliefs of what love looks like

White out

A blank page

Hope paints over what had been darkened

Blackened

Burned

Turn over a new leaf

A fresh sheaf

Plenty of room for a happy ending

Plenty of space for a joy long coming

Plenty of love for the broken to find healing

It wasn’t you unsalvaged

Practicing

I’ve been practicing quite a bit.

Came down with a bad case of exhaustion caused by an underlying chronic condition, but I’ve been taking steps to recover. Resting, water intake, staying warm, a little exercise.

Here’s some progress I’ve been making on one of my Christmas songs:

Take care of yourselves well as we approach a new year.

Art, Music, Writing, and Life

When winter begins to settle in and the days shorten, I just want to hibernate, meditate, reflect, read, and listen to music.

My schedule these days is too hectic to fit a lot of that into it, but I do try. It’s a professional necessity to take a break from the grind, and reassess what worked the previous year. To look at what ground was gained, what was lost, what direction I am headed (is it where I want to go?), and what I could let go, add, realign, or adjust.

There’s the financial catch-up – I have some bookkeeping work to do before tax time. What earned money, what might if I stick it out a little longer, am I spending my time wisely, am I caring for myself enough?

As an entrepreneur, employee, contract worker, I am often pulled in competing directions, and I have to evaluate opportunities quickly, often on the fly (literally while driving), and try to make the best one that is aligned and optimal.

I have two albums I am actively working on completing – one is Mixtures Poetica which is my pet learning project as I put to use in studio what I’ve been learning musically, and create musical backgrounds for poetry. This is nice because song structure (verse chorus bridge) is thrown out in favor of lyrical story-telling or just the poetic form, and the music (melody harmony riffs rhythm) niceties are left behind in favor of an emotional sound support structure for the poems. It’s disruptive.

The second album (working title is the title song) I am working on is in the stage of finalizing how I want to play those songs, and then attempt to play them that way with some consistency. I’m laughing a little, because I love to improvise, so good luck to me on this. I am trying to finalize the song list, create a reasonable order etc. This one has been several years in the making, and may still take a year or two before it’s ready to record. No worries, it’s the long game.

I am finishing up an art commission:

This already looks different because I worked on it today

I had to hang my canvases, because I live in a tiny house, and finished and unfinished canvases were taking up space. My walls were bare, so I just have hung them temporarily until they are finished or sold or both finished and sold.

The framed one was a gift to me from the artist

I’ve gotten a songwriting credit on an upcoming album, a portion of which will be pre-released this weekend. I’ve taken some longing glances at stories and books, and writing idea nuggets, plus a poetry book I would like to get up onto Amazon, and I’m running running running, so I don’t how I will fit more writing in right now.

My guitar lessons involve writing and finishing songs, so I’ve been doing that as part of my practice time. I have a backlog of over a hundred songs (lyrics), and about 50 more song idea nuggets hanging out on my phone waiting for me to have time in a waiting room so I can finish them.

I’m currently designing the art work and doing some copywriting work for a musician friend for the above album.

I hope you all have a lovely holiday, winter break, yuletide rest, and a wonderful, joyous New Year.

May we all have some pleasure, companionship, good friends, and pleasant days ahead of us.

I will be revamping, making adjustments, and hopefully spending some time tucked under a blanket reading. My posts may be infrequent until after the New Year.

Be safe. See you soon!