Beyond Sorry

“I’m sorry…” she begins

Trailing off down the path of

Self recrimination

“There’s no sorry.” I tell her

It’s about the dishes maybe

It’s about expectations I don’t have

That she fears I might

It’s how the past gnaws her legs

Inhibiting movement

We are way beyond sorry

I wash the dishes

It’s a gift not a chore

So small I barely notice

I vacuum and mop the floor

Wipe down the baseboards

Clean the doors

She’s sorry and she’s not sorry

She thinks I think she ought to do

Different

It takes time to rewrite the story

We are way beyond sorry

There’s no judgment when I’m cleaning

There’s celebration

What to give the person who has everything

But time

Who gives to others without holding back

Who creates space, and opportunity

Supports, and lends a hand

It’s only temporary

This life

This moment

This situation in situ

The history is long and tangled

The friendship well established

She says “Thank you,”

Without an apology this time

Reacquainted

We are beyond sorry

No regrets

I survey the next room

And pick up the cloth

It’s not enough, but it’s something

She found a way to leave me afternoon Chai

I detail cleaned the coffee grinder

She gave me a beautiful bowl and a wooden elephant

I vacuumed the cobwebs from the corners of each room

I am sorry and not sorry

We are beyond it

Way beyond sorry

Full of gratitude for chosen family

I say “Thank you”

Without apology this time

Altering

my arm guards the tender place

there is pain

my body lists a little to the side

bending and curving around what hurts

habits forming with thought and without thought

moving crookedly now

a soreness that will ease

perhaps

with time and attention

these are the obvious and expected

reactions to physical wounds

where does my mind bend around a tender spot

is it camouflaged deftly

preventing awareness from tending those

heart wounds

like a garden to pluck the weeds

like a garden to turn the soil

like a garden to compost last year’s crop

like a garden to grow healthy vegetables

like a garden to grow medicinal herbs

like a garden to grow beautiful flowers

the potential is there

but I must walk through the garden gate

maybe rusted shut

hinges needing to be replaced

so it does not scrape the ground

I gather the tools

I let down my guard

the only time to begin is now

and always

closed green wooden gate
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Lyrics to Patchwork Blue Songs are Now Posted

Patchwork Blue has been variously described as a smoldering fire (I am assured this is a good thing), Avant Garde, Soundtrack music, and as defying expectations (some people liked this, and some did not).

This collaborative album I did with my friend, Rosalie, was born out of free form improvisation with jazz and Blues influences. The album is out on major digital markets. There are 10 songs on the album, 2 are instrumentals.

We had a request for the lyrics, and so I’ve posted them, and thought you-all might like to read them. 🙂

Survival is a form of Improvisation.

Also, I posted this new work on SoundCloud. It’s a sad, gloomy, and makes you wonder why I’m still breathing kind of song, but it captures that moment when I quite seriously felt that my existence here is just plodding on to the end, because what else am I going to do? Some losses can feel like that…but that feeling lifts eventually, maybe showing up in waves, each time a little less severe, a little less sad, a little less lonely. And if you’ve lost someone, and grieve so deeply, I’m sorry.

Grief is a difficult companion, but no one walks without it unless they cannot love. So, you loved well, and will heal in time, building the strength to carry it.

Hearts and Stone

They hang like chimes

Those hearts dangling over earth and stone

To hear their song in the hushed morning mist

Singing tales of brokenness and healing

Is to wander wonderingly into a pinpoint light

Soft and warm against the cool, hard texture

Of stone

Is to remember being wrapped in your arms

In a way that hasn’t happened yet

In a way that may never happen

Except in the floral chimes

Suspended

Protected

Swaying beautifully

Lit from within

Let us soften love

And meet one day on the path

Through fog and forest

Let us soften love

Until the light of us

Becomes one

As the stone blossoms

And hearts softly sing

Lids No Pans

A quick look into a Banker’s box

Reveals a carefully wrapped lid

Cardboard folded over carefully

Taped down tight

Around a glass and stainless steel lid

Whose pan now resides in another state

Under a different cover, another too

All the planning and packing

Came to nothing

In the rush of last minute decision making

I have lids, no pans

And life is like that sometimes

Someone has pans with no lids

They got the better end of the donation decision

And I am left holding these lids

What does one do with orphaned lids

Will I take them with me to a thrift store

To see if I can find a rough mismatch match

Can I repurpose them for something useful

Use them to create something beautiful

For now they will be fine

Wrapped up in storage

While the back of my mind explores the paths

Of possibilities

I’ve been down this road myself

Removed of my purpose

Again and again

What to do with this life

When the obvious route came to an abrupt end

Redefining as I go

Letting go of the definition

Using a soft eye to see the greater wider vision

Taking tentative steps

Always asking

Is this a good step

Is this right

Wanting stride forward boldly

Wanting to move quickly into something new

Held back with the knowing

That what seems to be firm ground

Can give way suddenly

And leave me with lids

No pans

And a world of possibility

For creative problem solving

Hoping for a mismatched match

grey steel kitchenwares
Photo by neil kelly on Pexels.com

I Met You In Darkness

I waited there

Arms clutched around scabbed knees

Dirty face streaked with tears

Feet bare and calloused

Wrecked

Wracked

Wretched

Eyes closed tight against the world

Ears shut listening to the void

No whisper

No echo

No

Escape

I HELD MY BREATH

Until my pounding heart demanded

A little longer than that

Calming along all lines

Drawn and redrawn

I TOOK A BREATH

There is no reason

“Why would they do that?”

There is no reason

No logic

Not an answer to the question

I waited for you in the dark

To arrive with answers

Reason

Logic

Oh, but I met you there

I met you in darkness

And all you had to give me

What you gave me there in the darkest night

Like a small spark of hope

Like a brief touch of peace

Like the sun streaming through grey skies

When I met you in darkness

You gave me someone to love

No reason

Not logical

The glowing heart of you

Shining spirit

I still look for you

In the dark

Aspirations of a Bubble Universe

There was the void

An aching, fluid darkness

How long did it grow there

Taking shape

Expanding

Until

Pierced from without

Into the void flowed

Cosmic dust and starlight

Injected in swirling galactic eddies

Did sentient beings evolve

Living, warring, breeding, dying

As the stars drifted in the universal currents

In a cruel reversal of fate

Moments later

Eons later

The void collapsing

The stars, the planets, the light drawn along

A single strong current

Black hole with undeniable pull

Wormhole with inescapable grasp

Devouring every star

Swallowing every particle

Every mote removed

Until even

The void itself withdrew

Replaced by nothing

The former edges of the universe

Become a single layer

In spacetime

Somewhere

Somewhen else

A darkness begins to expand

silhouette of mountain under starry night
Photo by Sam Kolder on Pexels.com

I had a scary medical thing happen, which I wrote about here in the post Buried Alive. Yesterday, I went to have the biopsy done.

My friend drove me to what would have been the biopsy. She left me when they led me back into a second reception room. Even though I knew there would be a terrific chance of survival, a cancer diagnosis is still scary – more procedures, more doctor’s appointments, more expense, possible side effects would all have been in order.

The procedure was explained, what to expect, who would be in the room, the order things would happen, the equipment which would be used, the sounds that would be made – a very thorough and welcome explanation. And then the doctor came in to speak with me – to answer questions, and explain that there was a good chance that what had shown up as a suspicious spot might have been just a shadow.

Waiting in the small reception room with some wallflowers.

Just a shadow.

And they would try to confirm or deny. If there was no spot, then no biopsy. Nothing to biopsy. No cancer.

But they could go ahead and aspirate that cyst if I liked, either way. Yes, please.

They used an imaging scanner during the aspiration, and I watched the whole thing, which is as described above in the poem. I continue to be amazed at medical technology, and grateful to the people who learn it, use it, and who bring their compassion with them to their jobs.

And that is how I have come to have needed no biopsy, and have aspirations instead.

I told them that my dreams of being irradiated could wait for, perhaps, another day.

It was a good day to find out I don’t have cancer.

Later that day, I walked up to get some ice cream.

Walked by the old railroad tracks which have been converted into a walking/biking trail.

It was a beautiful day for ice cream.

Salvage

My life burned to the ground again

What could I take

Some memories and gifted things

What could I leave

Some memories and gifted things

What remained in the ashes

What fleeing hands could grasp

As the charred timbers fell

And the sparks flew

There’s no

There’s not

There’s nothing

What am I draped in lack

Who am I silhouette in black

Wealth is rippling out and in again

With tides of change and fortune

Pulled and pushed by mysterious lunar forces

Rich in spirit

Walking through the rubble

No regrets

Not regrets

Nothing but regrets

I learned long ago that what I viewed

As nothing

Was wealth to someone else

And here I sit in comfort

With the salvage of this blazing storm

More than enough it’s true

What am I dressed in sunlight

Who am I glowing from within

Combing this reckless shoreline now

For treasures gifted from the sea

I have two teapots

And that’s a lot

For me

You’ve Left Me an Opening

The walls were taken down so long ago

Stones and rubble piled to the side

Determined saplings reaching skyward

Roots snaking through the cracks in search of nourishment

The path is narrow and

Little used

Who passed this way last

Matters not

My feet are bare against the dewy grasses

The earth is guiding me home

There is a perimeter

Where I await

At the opening

For the invitation to

Approach

Deep in the wilderness

Untamed and free

The breeze catches on my dress

Birds singing lovely in the trees

A breath catching moment

Life itself beckons from the ruins

“Dance and sing”

Sun setting gently

Moon rising

Stars will twinkle a melody

Divine

I dance beneath

A shimmering sky

Through the opening

You left for me